Don’t Ignore Infertility

So this week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and RESOLVE (an organization which promotes infertility awareness) is sponsoring a blogging challenge.  This years theme is: Don’t Ignore Infertility.

I actually feel like what I wrote about last year was in line with this very topic.  And as I re-read it, I have had a difficult time coming up with what I wanted to say.  I sometimes worry that I harp too much on the best way to approach someone struggling with infertility.  I wouldn’t want to seem bitter.  Nor would I want to seem like I sit around waiting for people to say the wrong thing.  I’m not.  I don’t. 

I do think that infertility is just one of those trials that is hard to approach.  Because it involves a couple’s intimate life, the subject becomes somewhat taboo.  For that reason, lots of people don’t approach it at all.  This makes it a very isolating experience.  My hope is (by sharing my perspective as a woman who struggles with infertility) that I can help others who don’t have to experience this trial first hand know how to reach out to those who do. 

Infertility is excruciating.  It is so hard to lose the baby you hoped for.  It is hard to lose your fondest dream of becoming a parent, of creating a child with you sweetheart.  Imagine it: one of the greatest gifts that God has given his children is to procreate.  And you are not able to participate.  

Along with the obvious pain of being unable to conceive, there are more subtle losses as well.  Those who struggle with infertility may struggle with identity issues.  I was raised knowing that the most important role I would ever fill would be that of mother.  Particularly within the church, parenthood is emphasized strongly and constantly.  Rightly so, for there is nothing more important in this life than families.  Of course the principles of righteous parenting should be taught frequently.  But when you are unable to be the person you thought you would be, it can be difficult to know where you fit in.  You are reminded continually that what you so desperately desire is just out of reach.  And you worry that no matter how hard you try, you will always fall short of the person you were meant to become. 

And there is the loss of relating with your peers.  Should you pause and really listen, you might be surprised to note just how often topics such as breastfeeding and toilet training come up when a group of women get together.  Naturally these things would be discussed.  When you are mother whose world revolves around her children, of course they would be the topic of conversation.  I’m not saying that they shouldn’t be.  But I am saying, I know what it feels like to sit and smile politely because I don’t have a labor story to swap.   I know what it feels like to melt into the background when the conversation turns to how many children to have and when to have them. 

Infertility is a lonely road.  The kindest thing you could possibly do for a friend who is struggling with infertility is to walk with them.  Please don’t ignore them.  Please don’t ignore their pain.

Maybe you could remember to give them a hug on mothers day. 

Maybe you could tell them in a private, quiet setting that you are expecting baby #3.   

Maybe you could be mindful of the blessing you have been given to carry children.  I think one of the most heartbreaking things a person struggling with infertility has to bear is listening to others complain about being pregnant.  I understand pregnancy is difficult.  By all means complain to your husband, mother, and other fertile friends.  But please, oh please do not complain to someone who’s infertile about weight gain or morning sickness.  I would give anything for that, and so would many others like me.  Complaining about being pregnant to someone who struggles with infertility is like complaining of a broken leg to someone who is paralyzed from the waist down. 

Maybe you could tell them you are praying for them. 

These gestures are simple to offer, but HUGELY appreciated.  No one likes to be ignored. 

Where I’ve Been

(Recognize those ‘shrooms?)

Lately I have been snuggling with this little gnome. 

There simply hasn’t been time for much blogging.  You see, the most alarming thing has happened.  Since the moment he was placed in my arms, time has sped up.  I can’t believe he’s three weeks old already. 

There doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day to smooch that double chin and play with those little toes.  Every time I look at him he’s different. 

All that waiting for his arrival has made me really want to relish each moment we have together.  I have been really trying to focus on being present.  On giving him my full undivided attention when I feed him, burp him, change him, or hold him.  On enjoying the moments he’s wrapped up tightly in my arms or making cute little slurpy noises while I give him his bottle.  Because I know they’ll be gone all to soon. 

Creating quilts or scrapbook pages or clothes will have to wait.  Right now I’m creating memories. 

Things might be a bit quiet around this little blog for a while.  But I do hope to write a post for National Infertility Awareness Week (which is going on right now).  And I have been trying to record all of the details surrounding our sweethearts birth.  You can read all about that here.       

I feel like I say this a lot, but I really do feel so grateful to all my friends who have shared the journey with me.  We have felt so much love and support for our little family these past weeks.  The well wishes, sweet little gifts, and encouraging words have meant the world to us.  We just feel nothing but gratitude.  Thanks so much for celebrating with us! 

Chevron Table

So my sister gave me this cheerful little yellow table.  I think she got it at a consignment sale, but decided it was taking up more room than it was worth.  So I delightedly took it off her hands. 

It was originally solid yellow.  The paint job was deceptively easy to do.  I had the masking tape and leftover white paint from our baby’s changing table and rocking chair on hand.

I made a couple quick charts to hopefully help you get what I’m talking about.  So to create these stripes I started by drawing a light pencil dot in the very center of the table.  I wouldn’t just eyeball it; I would measure.  Then I created a grid pattern by spacing several more dots about 5 inches apart from each other.  Like so:

It’s important that you start from the center so that your stripes are centered when you’re all finished. 

Then connect the dots with masking tape making a zig zag.  Like so:

Then, just fill in every other stripe.  Keeping in mind that what is covered will be yellow and what is yellow will be white: 

I know the colors all wonky.  I took this at night in my garage.  But you get the idea.  Oh, and I taped up the sides of the table too.  The legs detached thank goodness. 

Paint. Paint. Paint.  Un-tape.  Enjoy.

Cute, no? 

Oh, and how do you like them ‘shrooms?  I sculpted those for a little project I have coming up.  But for now they look pretty cute just chillin’ on the table. 

Hard At Work

I have been SICK SICK these past few days, but am finally on the mend and excited to finish up some projects I’ve started. 

Spring is finally here and I’m so happy I can’t stand it.  Laying with my humidifier and trusty ole bag of throat lozenges was pure torture when that sunshine was streaming through my window begging me to come outside and play. 

Lots of exciting things coming up, I can’t wait! 

In the meanwhile, here’s a picture of my man and my pup.  Cutely sitting on the craft room floor probably reading about football or dinking around on Facebook. 

Three Little Words

Hi, everyone.

There are a couple things that will change your initial blog-reading thought process.  First, this is Spencer, posting as an (I hope) honored guest.  Second, this is not a gushy post about the phrase “I love you.”

That being said, I’m aware the small band of valiant readers who made it to this paragraph is a tiny minority of the group who started to read this post.  I mean, what three words could a man possibly want to talk about?  “Let’s watch football?”  “I am hungry?”

No, the phrase is much less superficial than that.  And actually, it’s one that this man has never said.  But I have heard it come from others.  Usually they’re women, and usually they are or have been pregnant.

(If you are thinking this is turning into a rant against pregnant women, please continue reading. This post is not meant to be anything of the sort. I would never do that).

Picture it now: a pregnant woman laboriously walking up stairs, or throwing up, or standing on the scale.  Or maybe she’s watching a video of what exactly happens during childbirth.  After an uneasy sigh, she looks at her belly and declares, “If I ever have any more kids after this one, I swear I’ll just adopt.”

I’ll just adopt?

Really?

Have you ever heard anything sillier?  I’m sure people don’t mean it in a rude way, but it’s not very amusing, either.

Obviously, the word that makes all the difference in the phrase is “just.”  Saying you’ll “just” adopt implies at least one of the following 3 things:

1. Adoption is easy.

Clearly, anyone who thinks this has never had much experience with adoption.  They have never made it through the approval process.  They have never even begun the paperwork.  They have never really researched the cost of an adoption.  I dare say these people have never seriously contemplated the adoption process.

If anyone has done all those things and still thinks adoption is easy, they’re probably a multi-millionaire celebrity with their own lawyer and agent ready to do anything for them at the drop of a hat.  And most of these stars are probably too old to be getting pregnant without serious health risks, anyway.

Should the false notion that adoption is easy pop into your mind, consider also that the constant emotional, psychological, and spiritual agony of infertility often accompanies the adoption process.  Not always, but often.  Especially among LDS couples.  And even adoption can’t take that pain away.

2. Adoption is easier than pregnancy.

I will not sit here and say adoption is more difficult than pregnancy,  I could never make that claim, seeing as how I have never been pregnant and never will be pregnant.  My wife joins me in the NBPC (Never-Been-Pregnant Club), and could very well join me in the other category, too (although I hope that won’t be the case).  To argue that adoption is harder than pregnancy or vice versa would be silly of me, if not absurd.

The exact same standard, however, applies to those who have never adopted.  After picturing me sitting on my male butt and saying, “Yeah, I could be pregnant.  No biggie,” can you also see how ridiculous it would be for someone who’s never entered the adoption arena to say, “I’ll just adopt”?!

It certainly isn’t a contest between pregnancy and adoption, and I’m not trying to out-martyr anyone here, but if we want any opinions on which one’s easier, we’d have to check with someone who has both been pregnant and adopted.  Those women alone have the right to form an opinion on that or to refute someone else’s.  (On a related note, I have read the writing of one such woman, who said she’d take pregnancy over adoption any day.  Her thoughts, not mine).

3. Adoption is in some way less fulfilling than pregnancy.

This interpretation would come into play when the word “just” takes on the meaning of “only.”  Examples of such usage are found in sentences like “I can’t afford a new car, so I’ll just buy a used one” or “They’re out of steak, so I’ll just get a salad” or “Redbox didn’t have a copy of Harry Potter, so I’ll just check out Twilight.”

Could one method of bringing a precious child of Heavenly Father into your eternal family possibly be inferior to another?

Even if it were true – if adoption were less fulfilling than getting a baby who has mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes – I’d love to hear someone explain that to their adopted child…

“Sammy, I love you more than you know.  You are the best part of my life.  But let’s be real.  You were just adopted.  Your older sister came out of my womb and has my chromosomes.  As much as I love you, you’ll never beat that.”

“Jessica, I wanted you to come be a part of our family so badly.  I yearned for you for years.  But I couldn’t bear the thought of actually carrying you around for nine months and dealing with morning sickness again, so we just adopted you.”

I think you catch my drift.  Other instances where the “just” really bites are similar, but applied to other people.

“They had trouble getting pregnant, so they just adopted.”

Or every infertile couple’s absolute favorite thing to hear: “Why don’t you guys just adopt?”  Hopefully you can see these phrases in a new light.

 

As a clarification, I am aware that many couples, whose families have already grown through the miracle of pregnancy, also feel guided to adopt another child/children, too.  That is perfectly wonderful.  I praise and respect those couples for listening to and acting on the promptings they receive, even when they may sound strange at first.  The act of adopting after having biological children is not what bothers me.  It’s the flippant manner in which adoption is tossed around by those who aren’t truly considering it.

Now, to all of you women who have given birth or who one day will (and to the husbands who stand faithfully at their sides), you are rock stars.  Truly.  I mean that.

But so is my wife.

And she and I are “just” adopting.

Quilt in Aqua and Ruby

I had never tried this pattern before, but thought it turned out just lovely for this baby quilt I gifted recently. 

I had been eyeing this fabric (Ruby from Moda) for a long time and finally found the perfect project to use it on!  I mixed in a few additional fabrics of my own.  I like to use fabrics that coordinate, but aren’t tooooo machy machy. 

It wasn’t part of my original plan to include the appliqué hearts, but I think It was just what the quilt needed.  I have never used a blanket stitch to appliqué on a quilt before, but I think I turned out really cute!  It seemed to fit the overall feel of the piece. 

Also, I learned a fabulous little trick.  Did you know that you can use used drier sheets instead of interfacing?  I decided to try it out in a pinch, and it worked beautifully!  It even made the quilt smell really nice and fresh. 

I should have snapped a picture of the cute baby on the cute quilt… but alas. 

Next time for sure :). 

If You Give Your Niece a Tutu…

I’ve been waiting and waiting to share these.  I made the tutu for her a while ago, but you can’t very well share pictures of a gift before it’s given.  I had the most lovely time visiting family last week.  And it was especially fun to meet my new little niece!  She is just a doll.  I am so smitten.  

She was very patient with Aunt Whitney trying to take her picture every two seconds.  

Actually, she seemed to kind of like having her photo taken.  Well, she liked the camera which was really fun for me.  As soon as I started snapping she started grinning. 

It was so special to be able to be at her blessing.  

Please ignore my no-makeup-ness and weird hair and focus on that cute little stinker in my lap. 

I miss that little girl already.

The One Where I Completely Overuse The Word, “Cute”

I don’t know if you remember when I showed you this little outfit.  But here it is on my sweet niece!  Isn’t she the most precious thing of your life?  She looks so much like my sister when she was a baby it’s crazy. 

Even the cutest little baby outfit looks ten milling times cuter on a cute fat baby!  In our house, cute and fat is the highest compliment ever.  I love to gush over this cute and fat baby or that cute and fat owl or perhaps another cute and fat hedgehog or maybe a cute and fat little whale.  It’s just what I say: cute and fat.  Why?  I suppose because all babies are cute and fat.  Is there anything more adorable than chunky baby thighs or chubby baby cheeks?  Nay. 

One time I accidentally called Spencer cute and fat.  I meant to tell him that he was cute, but the “and fat” just kind of popped out after from habit.  He pretended to be real offended, but he knew I didn’t mean it.  He is cute though, that’s for sure.   

Speaking of cute, I can’t wait to see that little cutie pictured above!  I am so excited I can’t stand it!  After all, can you blame me?  I mean look at her! 

She’s cute :)

 

 

 

 

 

And fat. 

Analogy

To be honest we aren’t the biggest celebrators of Valentines Day around here.  GASP.  I know.  We don’t hate V Day by any means, we just don’t do a whole lot to mark the holiday.  We’re not scrooges or anything, we just don’t go all out. 

Since our family received our recent sad news, it seems like infertility has been especially biting.  And I was doing so well too!  Most people have been so kind to us and sensitive to our loss.  But there are always some that don’t understand.  Some who don’t know how we could possibly mourn the loss of a baby that was never ours. 

Let me assure you, we can.  The pain we have felt over losing the baby we had waited for for three years and planned on for three months was very real.  It was the loss of a dream.  Again.  Believe me, just because I wasn’t pregnant does NOT mean that our loss was any less excruciating.  Please, please, do not diminish what we are going through.

So what does all this have to do with Valentines Day?

Valentines day: Singles :: Mothers day: Infertiles

Our recent family trauma has reminded me, yet again, of all the others who also wait.  Waiting can be so hard.  Reminders can be so painful. 

It has been hard to wait for little ones to come to our family.  But thank goodness I have my Spencer!  I know so many wonderful, amazing, people who are still waiting to find their sweethearts.  Who would love to be married and have a family of their own, but who have not had the opportunity.  Their wait is difficult too.  And I guess my mind is just on those sweet friends of mine today. 

Love is a great thing to celebrate!  I guess I am just mindful of those who don’t have someone to celebrate with.

I hope all my friends, especially the ones who are waiting, have a wonderful happy day!

 

Infertility: The Board Game

I really was not bitter when I made this.  Promise.  I was just being funny.  Just finding humor in the situation.  That’s all. 

Thank goodness for Spencie.  At least I don’t have to play alone. 

Book Review: Delivering Hope

I am so excited to share an awesome read with you guys! 

I actually was contacted about this book several months ago and was waiting on pins and needles to get my hands on a copy.  I was finally able to read it for the first time yesterday and it did not disappoint.  This book was beautiful.  Meaningful.  Uplifting.  Inspiring.  I read the whole thing in one sitting. 

I don’t want to give too much away, but here’s the synopsis:

Olivia Spencer wants to be a mom more than anything else in the whole world, but years of infertility have wounded her soul and placed a strain on her marriage to Michael.  Now, Olivia finds herself wondering if the life she has built will even survive.

Allison Campbell is a recent high school graduate who discovers that a moment of excitement has led to an unplanned pregnancy and an overwhelming heartache.

As the lives of these two women touch, we see that deep love can pave the way for sacrifice, and we all learn the true source of hope and healing.

I loved the parallels between characters and the beautiful way in which each woman's story intertwined.  Olivia’s character resonated with me so strongly that at times it felt like I was reading about my own life.  The characters may be fictional, but the emotion behind this book is very real.  I truly connected with the characters through their heartache and rejoiced in their triumph.   

I actually had the opportunity to meet the author at last years FSA.  Jennifer Ann Holt is as sweet as they come.  She is giving away a signed copy of the book to two individuals, and a singed bookmark and Delivering Hope magnet to five individuals.  There are a few ways to enter:’

1. Become a follower of Jennifer’s blog:  www.jenshopefulwriting.blogspot.com and leave a comment letting her know you stopped by!
2. “Like” the Delivering Hope facebook fan page:  www.facebook.com/DeliveringHopeNovel
3. Watch the book trailer:  www.bit.ly/peCixw and post a comment on the facebook page telling what you liked about it.

The winners will be randomly chosen at the conclusion of the blog tour and posted on both Jen’s blog and the Facebook fan page by 10:00 am on Saturday, February 11th. 

Delivering Hope will be officially released on February 8th.  I’m dying for you guys to read it so we can discuss!    

Hot Air Balloon Nursery Reveal

I know I have been taking about showing pictures of the nursery for weeks now.  For the most part it’s been ready for a while, but to be honest, there are just a couple little tiny things I’m still working on, so I kept putting this off.  But I decided that I will never get pictures up if I wait to have everything 100% just how I want it.  So… here we are!  Step on in, I’ll give you the tour.   
This is my favorite room in the whole house. 

There are going to be just a couple more pictures in that lovely collage above. We want to put a picture of Baby’s birthfather up, as well as a quote I love.  You might recognize that picture of Tasha from my post here.  I made the “boy oh boy” wall art as well.  I was so pleased with how it turned out!  We have pretty much decided on a name for Baby (and no it’s not Lydio haha).  But here’s a little clue: it does begin with L :). 

I also want to put this printable I made up there somewhere, I just haven’t gotten around to printing it yet.  If you like it, feel free to help yourself to a copy :).

We did a little bit of work on that changing table and were quite proud of the final outcome.  And that lovely old luggage there…I found that at a garage sale for a couple of bucks months ago.  I knew it would come in handy for photo shoots, or in this case for diaper storage.  That little monkey fellow was mine when I was a little girl.  I LOVED monkeys (still do actually) and collected a whole fleet of stuffed monkeys.  It’s been fun to think of Baby Boy enjoying some of my childhood toys. 

I’m sure you remember these little beauties from my post here.  They are perhaps my favorite thing in the whole room.  I’m worked so hard to make them and was so pleased with how they turned out.  We kind of based the decorations for the whole room on those hot air balloons.  

B is for… balloons, bikes, Blake, baby, boy…   I LOVE this little shelf.  That little bike with a basket was a table decoration at my wedding reception!  And I do love that owl baby with his balloon.

The bunting is a bit washed out in this photo, but we love that big window that lets in so much natural light. 

In the corner between the bookshelf and the changing table is the rocking chair that we refinished.  Along with another one of the quilt creations that I made specifically to fit the theme of the room.  The child is going to have quilts coming out of his ears, I tell you what.  It has been SO fun to sew things for Baby.  I kind of can’t stop.   

Honestly, I don’t know how to make the bright colors NOT look funky on a computer screen.  The quilt looks better in real life.  Just trust me on this one. 

Oh, and Spencie gave me this clock as a Christmas present.  Isn’t it sweet?  He was so excited to find it. 
Well, I think that about concludes our tour.  Hopefully the next time you see this room there will be a cute fat baby in there :).

Missing This

Today I’m missing this place:

And these people:

It’s funny how a just a couple of weeks ago I was wearing short sleeves and basking in the California sunshine.  Now I’m wearing two pairs of socks, bundled head to toe in flannel, and watching a grey drizzle out the window.  Sigh… I’ve never been the biggest fan of winter. 

But editing these photos made me so happy!  Sunshine’s always just around the corner. 

The Fords: Help Them Find Their Baby

I had the pleasure of meeting Keira through blogging.  Though we have never met in person, I have grown to love this girl so much.  It wont’ take long for you to see why; she’s such a sweetheart!  Keira has been a wonderful support to me through our adoption journey.  She is one of those people that is very other-focused.  She is always asking how we are doing and what is going on in our lives, even though she has a lot going on in her life as well.   

I asked Keira to share a little bit of her story with all of you:

From the first date that Steve and I went on I knew he was a keeper. He opened the door for me, took my jacket and was a complete gentlemen. He's always treated me with love and respect and is genuinely looking out for me. There are times where I seriously have to pinch myself because I always am thinking how did I get so lucky?  Steve is my best friend. my better half and my eternal companion.  We work hand in hand at everything and I'm grateful it's been that way from the beginning.

Steve and I found out last year that we have infertility. It was a big gulp to swallow. We had always thought that when we were ready to have children we would have children! We tried multiple procedures to help us get our lil' one but none of the tests worked. After prayers and discussing all of our options.We both decided that Adoption was the next right step for us.

The process can be overwhelming at times, but we know that its all so worth it when we as a family can be sealed together in the temple for the eternities. Infertility has helped me to gain a better understanding of God's plan and also of my own worth. Adoption is such an amazing and humbling experience. We both know that we won't be getting just any baby, but we will be finding our baby through this process.

I wanted to share Keira’s story with you for a couple of reasons.  One, Keira is an amazing person and has a beautiful perspective on life.  And two, I wanted to help Keira and Steve spread the word.  Spencer and I have been so blessed by friends who have shared our story and our information.  We have seen miracles in our life because of so much wonderful support.  Could you please offer your support to my sweet friend too? 

Here is their family blog.  Please stop by and say hello! 

Getting Ready

When we were in Califo for Christmas, my adorable sister, Chelsey, took some photos of us.  This one is one of my faves.  It’s definitely going up in the nursery, which is turning out really cute, I’ll have to share photos soon! 

In the meantime, here is the tiniest little sneak peak of my latest quilt and puppy trying out the crib:

On Remembering

Hi friends!  Can we talk?

I have been thinking a lot about how our little family will be changing soon.  And I have been thinking a lot about how the birth of our baby will not only change our lives, but the lives of those around us.  So many of you have been such a support to me, and I want you to know that I am still mindful of our friends who are still waiting.  Something that is very important to me is that I don’t forget. 

I don’t want to forget the things I have felt or the things I have learned.  I know it hurts.  Infertility sucks.  I’ve been there!  Heck, I AM there!  I am SO grateful for the little miracle that is coming into our lives.  I am in no means diminishing how grateful I am for our baby when I say that infertility is still hard.

That’s not to say that we aren’t over the moon excited.  We are.  That’s not to say that my infertility pain will still be as great as someone who still waits with empty arms.  It won’t.  In spite of infertility, I still get to be a mom.  Adoption doesn’t cure infertility, but knowing that I can be a mother takes away a lot of the sting.  

I guess my point is that even though we are expecting our little miracle in a few weeks, I haven’t magically forgotten all of the pain from the past several years.  Nor would I want to.  I don’t say that in a “wallowing in self pity” kind of way, rather a “I know it’s hard and I’m still there for you” kind of way.  One of the things I struggle to understand is how people who at one time struggled with childlessness/infertility can seem to lose the sensitivity towards others that they used to desire for themselves.  I really don’t want to be that kind of person. 

So I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to strike a balance between voicing our excitement and allowing others to share in our joy, while remaining sensitive that our good news can also be hard news for some.  And then I worry that by telling all of you this, you might think that I am being too egocentric by thinking what I write here on my little blog even matters that much one way or another.  I overthink things.  It’s a gift.  But I did want to tell you how I’m feeling because you DO matter to me and I DON’T want to be a stinker.  I want you to know I’m trying. 

I found some articles that really helped me to process all of this.  The first is from An Infertile Adoptive Mom.  This was one of my favorite parts:

“The main thing I wanted to get across to the audience was that they did not have to "get over" their infertility in order to choose adoption. I felt like this was the best gift I could give them. It was permission for them to still be grieving their biological child while rejoicing their child who would be theirs through adoption. I told them it was OK if they still didn't want to attend baby showers, baptisms, certain family functions, or to be around pregnant women. That didn't mean that they shouldn't adopt. It means that they are infertile and always will be. That is what they have to accept.”   

Jill (from the Happiest Sad) also wrote an AMAZING blog post (it was actually a copy of her presentation from FSA) on grief.  You really should read what she had to say.  It was so insightful to learn more about grieving from a birthmother’s perspective.  And it reminded me again that even though our experiences are different, our emotions are universal.  One thing that Jill said that really stood out to me was this:

“I should also mention that you may experience several of these feelings at once. It is possible to feel more than one emotion at a time. It doesn't mean you're crazy. It means you're human. You are absolutely allowed to feel happy for someone and jealous of them at the same time. You can feel sad and happy at the same time (and I'm the "happiest sad" chick, so trust me on this one). You can feel grateful and impatient. You can feel depressed at the same time you feel a lot of love.”

Perhaps my take home message is that I know that we are all down here on earth together to help one another.  Even if my wait is winding down, I hope that I can use the things I have learned to help lift someone else.  I want to always remember. 

Made My day

I am lucky because I get to work with the most adorable elementary school students each day.  I love my job as a tutor; it is so rewarding for me to watch my little students enthusiasm for the progress they are making.  They get so excited when they are finally able to grasp a concept or answer a problem correctly.  I love watching those “light bulb” moments. 

One of my student’s asked me out of the blue one day, “Mrs. Blake, what are your fop five favorite bugs?”  I had to think for a while before supplying her with an answer.  I admit I found her question a little unusual, but kids come up with some pretty funny questions sometimes, so I didn’t think much of it. 

The next week she excitedly told me to close my eyes while she pulled a surprise for me out of her backpack.  This was her surprise gift to me:

My heart just melted.  She worked so hard to make such a thoughtful present for me; I know she spent a lot of time on drawing, coloring, and cutting out my favorite bugs.  I should have taken a close up, the little butterflies and bumblebee have eyelashes.  SO cute! 

So today this same little girl told me that she had a Christmas present for me.  She gave me a very thoughtful gift, which her mom helped her pick out, along with a handmade card.  I didn’t take a picture of the front, but here’s a peek at the inside:

She told me she prepared two fun activities for me.  I get to draw a nose on Rudolph (he’s pulling Santa’s sleigh in case you can’t tell), and I get to draw hair on the snowman. 

Adorable right?

This may be my favorite Christmas card I have ever gotten.  It totally made my day. 

Well, I’m off to go draw hair on my snowman. 

Nighty night. 

Extra Extra

Hello friends!  I don’t know if you heard our good news.  Hop on over here to read all about it.

Confidence

Even though it sounds horrible to admit, Sundays can be one of the hardest days of the week. 

Most of the time, I have a really positive attitude when it comes to adoption.  I am not at all shy when it comes to sharing my feelings about adoption with friends, family, or even the check out lady at the grocery store or person sitting next to me on the airplane.  I love it!  Adoption can be such a beautiful, wonderful thing!  I truly believe that.  I have seen miracles happen and I have seen so many lives blessed through adoption. 

Recently one of our friends commented to me, “You seem really open about discussing your experiences with adoption.”  It was one of the nicest compliments I had ever received.  I am so passionate about sharing adoption information because so much of the information out there is inaccurate or less-than positive.  I’m not generally a very, shall we say, talkative person by nature, so that our friend recognized how strongly I feel about adoption meant a lot.  Being open about most things does not come naturally to me, but I am willing to pour my heart into the things that matter most to me.  Adoption is one of those things. 

Occasionally, however, I’ll have days where I feel a little frightened. 

Adoption IS beautiful and IS wonderful, but like any potential parent (adoptive or biological) I sometimes have my worries.  “What if our child makes poor decisions?”  “What if we have lots of contention in our home and have trouble getting along?”  “What if he or she doesn’t like me?”  I know that parenting doesn’t always mean you are going to be “liked”, but I am so grateful for my parents and have a fabulous relationship with them.  They are truly some of my best friends.  I want that someday!  I want my child to have a good relationship with me.  I want them to know how much they were and are wanted.  I want them to know how much I love them. 

These worries are sometimes compounded by adoption fears.  “What if our child one day resents the fact that they were adopted?”  “What if our child is made to feel less than others because they don’t look like us?” “What if our child thinks that we don’t understand where they are coming from because we don’t share the same genes?”  Perhaps some of my concerns are silly.  What can I say, I’m kind of a worrier (Spencer or my Mom will vouch for this.  It’s very very true, bless my heart).  I do know that Satan does NOT want eternal families to be created.  I know that he will try his hardest to work on my fears.

My point is, I have had my days that are dark or discouraging.  I have had my times where I wonder if I can do it.  These days often happen to be on Sunday.  It’s hard to be surrounded by little families, when we want that so much for ourselves.  As a side note there were THREE baby blessings today (buckle up, right?).  They were beautiful blessings.  I was just feeling a little wistful waiting for our turn someday.  I feel like I don’t really fit in.  It is in those weaker moments that fear creeps in. 

It can be hard to live for what you know is right, even when the future can seem a little scary. 

Perhaps my favorite talk in the whole widest world is “Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence,” by Elder Holland.  If you haven’t heard it or read it, I urge you to do so now.  I promise it will be well worth your time.  I may or may hot have every BYU devotional given by Elder Holland memorized.  I’ve listened to them so often, I know them by heart.  But this one is my absolute FAVORITE.  In fact, this talk played a role in my relationship with Spencer (but that’s another story for another day).

Here is one of my favorite parts:

There are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts… Don't give in. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. He wants everyone to be miserable like unto himself. Face your doubts. Master your fears. "Cast not away therefore your confidence." Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you. 

I love to read this talk on the days I may be struggling.  It reminds me that I can do it.  Heavenly Father has confidence in me.  He will help me do hard things.  Our family will come together in the way it was meant to.  More importantly than having confidence in me, I have confidence in HIM.  I know that God keeps his promises.  I also know that there is power in the sealing covenant.  I will not be left alone as I am doing His work and striving to build our family. 

Maybe my child won’t always like me.  Maybe our child won’t always make perfect decisions GASP.  :).  The road to creating our family can be bumpy sometimes; I know that.  There are no guarantees. 

I love the story in Matthew of Christ walking on the water.

25 And ^ain the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.

26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good^acheer; it is I; be not afraid.

28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was ^aafraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little ^afaith, wherefore didst thou^bdoubt?

It’s interesting that while Peter kept his sight on the savior, he was fine.  It wasn’t until he focused on the storm that be became afraid and began to sink. 

The storms going to be there.  One way or another, it just will be.  I can’t do much to change that fact, but I can chose where to put my focus.  Right now I’m trying to focus on Him.

It will be okay.   

Infertility Sensitivity

I made this outfit for my little niecelette due to make her appearance in just a few weeks!  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  Please note that the flower is on a headband and not just awkwardly connected to the front of the onesie.  This picture would be much cuter if there was a baby modeling it, but you will just have to wait a bit longer for that one :).

I had an awesome conversation with my sister (the one who was oh so kind to sponsor the media blitz for us, also known as the one who is having the baby that is going to look so fetching in that pink/grey/black/white little number above, okay that made it sound like lingerie, but you know what I mean right? right.) the other day.

She asked me “How do you wish people would have responded when you told them about your struggle with infertility?”

Spencer and I were so grateful that she asked us this for a few reasons.  First of all, it showed that she cares.  She cares about us and our feelings, and of course we reciprocate.  Second of all, no one has ever asked me that before.  It has given Spencer and me a lot to think about and talk about.  It was so refreshing to have someone ask what we needed.

I know everyone is different, so I can’t speak for all those who have struggled with infertility, but I tried to give her some insight into our experience.  After our conversation, I wanted to share some of our thoughts with you.  While by no means is this list comprehensive, hopefully it will still provide some ideas for approaching a friend/relative who struggles with infertility.  I should also mention that Vita Alligood wrote a SUPERB article on Infertility Etiquette.  I would highly recommend that you also use her article as a resource.  I won’t try to reconstruct her ideas, but do desire to add to them.  So, without further ado, I give you:

INFERTILITY SENSITIVITY:

1. At what point do you say something to the friend you suspect is struggling with infertility?

If your friend confided in you that she is struggling with infertility, then she is asking you to be there for her through her struggle.  It takes guts to say, “Hey I have this really personal problem and I don’t want to go through this alone.”  If they say they are having a hard time then, by golly, that is them asking for a hug or a “I’m sorry, I bet that’ hard,” or something like unto it. 

If you do not know for certain whether or not your friend is struggling with infertility, then you do not need to be the one to broach the subject, but that also doesn’t mean you can’t be sensitive.  For example, if your friend has been married for three years, likes kids, says she wants kids, but doesn’t have kids… it would probably not be sensitive to ask her when she’s “gonna buckle down and have one of her own already.”  Teasing/hinting/prying/inquiring are NOT sensitive.  She may not want to spill her guts to you.  She may not need you to listen to a play by play of all her problems.  But sensitivity is always appreciated, even if she doesn’t want to talk about it. 

2. How do you know if your friend wants to talk about it or not?

Ask her.  My sister did this when we first told our family about our struggles with infertility.  She called me and said, “I don’t know if you want to talk about it, but I wanted to see how you were doing.”  It was the perfect response.  She let us know that she cared while still giving us the opportunity to take the space we needed. 

In our conversation a few days ago, my sister told me that one of her fears in approaching someone struggling with infertility is that she might ruin what would have been a good day by reminding her friend of her struggles.  Believe me, your friend will at no point forget about her infertility.  Compassion will NEVER ruin a good day.  Does that mean you need to ask about her infertility EVERY time you see her?  Of course not.  However, if you ask how she is really doing occasionally she will be so grateful.  It is better to ask how she is doing than how things are going.  “Things” will likely be the same (i.e. lots of crappy treatments, still no baby).  But she will have ups and downs, good days and bad days.  Her circumstances may not change, but the way she experiences them will. 

3. How do I tell my infertile friend that I’m pregnant?

A simple e-mail or phone call is very thoughtful.  We have appreciated friends and family members who have let us know privately that they are expecting, and that meant a lot.  A little advance notice absolutely means the world.  Large surprise announcements with confetti and fireworks are really difficult for someone struggling with infertility. 

You must understand this: Your friend is NOT upset at you for having children.  She is mourning the loss of being left behind… again.  I know it is difficult to imagine, but try very hard to put yourself in her shoes.  Think of the thing you want more than anything else in the whole world.  Then, imagine most everyone you know and love receiving that one one thing that you desire so desperately, but your arms are left empty.  Imagine seeing this happen over and over again year after year.  It’s hard.  It just is.  Understand that she is happy for you, but that your announcement will be painful.  

4. Should I invite my infertile friend to my baby shower?

Certainly.  I would add a little note explaining that you understand if it is too difficult for her to attend, but that you wouldn’t want her to feel left out because you care about her.  Don’t exclude her.  Chances are that even though she’s struggling, she is really happy for you and wants to share in your joy, whether that be by participating in the festivities or just sending a gift. 

 

I know that infertility can be a difficult subject to address.  But I’ve said it before: heart speaks to heart.  If your friend is struggling with infertility she is experiencing the trial of her life.  Your kindness and sensitivity will mean the world. 

Nature Walk

I went for a walk in the canyon today, and the view was too lovely not to share.

The colors are breathtaking this time of year.  No matter how many photos I snapped, I could just not quite do justice to the real thing…

…Not that it stopped me from trying. 

And I got to thinking about my favorite talk from conference, by Elder Cook, “It Is Better To Look Up.”  I loved that talk.  So much.  I love the concept of up.  I love that things can look up, people can cheer up, and hopes can rise up. 

When I was walking through the canyon with my eyes downcast this was all I could see:

Not much of a view is it?  When I was looking down all I could focus on was the shadows.  And look what I would have missed out on if I wouldn’t have looked up:

My walk caused me to come to the following realization: when I’m feeling downcast and only focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, I totally miss out on the beauty of the world (and even more importantly, the people) around me.  Looking down leads to self absorption.  How many opportunities I miss to reach out to those around me when I’m too busy looking at my feet. 

It really is better to look up.