Wednesday, January 5, 2011

A Post Looks So Naked Without Pictures

Right now I am not happy. 
I am usually a happy person, I promise!  Most days I am cheerful and have a smile on my face.
If I am not happy one of a few things has probably happened:
1. I found out I am not pregnant (usually via that stupid-poopid monthly visitor I love to curse)
2. I found out a friend or family member is pregnant
There are of course other things that can make me unhappy, but I am talking about my infertility happiness.  Much of the time, I am happy in spite of our current situation.  But if situation 1 or 2 arises, I am not a happy infertile that day.  And if 1 and 2 happen on the same day… well… lets just say I wouldn’t want you to witness the blubbering mess I become.  And if we add a situation 3 to the mix (I received a baby magazine in the mail) or a 4 (I saw an ultrasound picture on facebook) it is not a pretty sight.  Often the next day, after I have cried it all out, I can be happy again.
Today, I am dealing with situation 1 and 2.
I am afraid that unfortunately, this blog sometimes sees more of the unhappy side of me than the happy side.  When I am sad, writing helps me sort out my feelings.  I also keep a personal journal, but (as I mentioned in a previous post) I have wanted to share some of my struggles with infertility in hopes that it might help others who are struggling as well.  Because though none of us want to focus on the negative in life, there are not many things more comforting than knowing that someone else understands how you feel. 
These feelings make me feel like such an ugly person.  I don’t like falling apart.  It is embarrassing to lose it once a month.  I hate to admit that someone else’s good news can’t be good news for me too.  It is not that I don’t totally love my pregnant friends and family members!  I do!  I do want them to be happy!  One of my greatest joys is sharing their children.  I love being a part of my nieces and nephews lives.  I wish I lived closer to them and could be a bigger part of their lives.  Our dearest friends have a baby, and I love her more than I can say.  They are so good to let us kiss and cuddle and love her.  The friend who I just learned is pregnant is also very dear to me, and I am really excited for her little family to grow even more. 
In my heart of hearts I am happy for them… just sad for what I am missing.  I tell Spencer all the time, “It’s not that I’m mad at them, they are just so lucky!  I can’t help but feel a little envious.” 
So there you have it.   Infertility makes you feel ugly sometimes.  You feel ugly on the inside for feeling jealous, and you feel ugly on the outside because you can’t make a baby.  You feel unfeminine and broken and somehow less than what you should be.  I may never get to be a cute pregnant girl, and that makes me sad.
Tomorrow is a new day.  I will be happy tomorrow. 


  1. Whitney, I love you. I know how you feel and you're right - infertility is ugly sometimes. Sometimes I can't even get on facebook or blogs for fear of seeing another announcement.

    But I hope you know that you are an inspiration to so many people. I know you are for me. I think you're so strong. You are DEFINITELY allowed blubbering days.

    Thinking of you.

  2. I love you Whitney! I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug and find something to try and make you smile. You have been on my mind all week and I have prayed extra hard for you. Let yourself cry and don't feel guilty for your feelings. I'm glad you write about them here. It helps me a great deal.

  3. Because I'm not in that married situation or even the situation where many of my friends are married, I'm afraid I often don't know what to say or how to relate that might make you feel better. I don't have to worry about seeing announcements on facebook or blogs, 'cause I just don't know many people who are in that stage of life.

    BUT, I DO know that I love you, and I'm sorry that rough days like today come into your life. I guess all I can say is that I'm giving you a virtual hug right now, and I agree with the first comment that you are allowed to blubber. Blubber away. After all, if not for any other reason, it's a cool sounding word, right? :) I love you and Spencer both, and I'm thinking about you and praying for you.

  4. Some days are just crying days. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

  5. I'm so sorry, Whitney. I love you as well. Know that I keep you in my prayers.

  6. I never had to worry about those days. I never had a hard time getting pregnant, nor even had a miscarriage. But I do know how much I love my own children, so I know that it would be tough not to have your own. My heart goes out to both you and Spencer and I pray for you daily. I love you both!

  7. Hi! I know you don't know me, I found your blog browsing through some other LDS adoption blogs. I just wanted to tell you that I loved this post, especially the very last part about infertility making you feel ugly. You said it so well and hit the nail on the head. It is just so hard sometimes.

    Also, I bounced over to your adoption blog and wanted to tell you that I think it looks awesome, you guys look like such a fun couple. I know there are going to be birthparents out there who are going to fall in love with you. And when that happens, just let me tell you, it is amazing. We adopted our daughter 8 months ago and it was just one miracle after another.

    Again, good luck. Know there are others out there who understand how hard it can all be. Thanks again for this post

  8. Hey there! We don't know each other, but you made a comment on my blog and that is how I found your blog. The moment I saw your blog, my first thought was how adorable you are and your blog is! You took the words right out of my mouth on this post. My heart goes out to you! I want to say thank you for writing how you feel. It helps me feel less alone knowing that I am not the only one. At church today there was a baby blessing, unfortunately it made me feel down, but then I got on your blog and read some of your posts and it is so comforting... Thank you! Hang in there! You are in my thoughts and prayers!