I am usually a happy person, I promise! Most days I am cheerful and have a smile on my face.
If I am not happy one of a few things has probably happened:
1. I found out I am not pregnant (usually via that stupid-poopid monthly visitor I love to curse)There are of course other things that can make me unhappy, but I am talking about my infertility happiness. Much of the time, I am happy in spite of our current situation. But if situation 1 or 2 arises, I am not a happy infertile that day. And if 1 and 2 happen on the same day… well… lets just say I wouldn’t want you to witness the blubbering mess I become. And if we add a situation 3 to the mix (I received a baby magazine in the mail) or a 4 (I saw an ultrasound picture on facebook) it is not a pretty sight. Often the next day, after I have cried it all out, I can be happy again.
2. I found out a friend or family member is pregnant
Today, I am dealing with situation 1 and 2.
I am afraid that unfortunately, this blog sometimes sees more of the unhappy side of me than the happy side. When I am sad, writing helps me sort out my feelings. I also keep a personal journal, but (as I mentioned in a previous post) I have wanted to share some of my struggles with infertility in hopes that it might help others who are struggling as well. Because though none of us want to focus on the negative in life, there are not many things more comforting than knowing that someone else understands how you feel.
These feelings make me feel like such an ugly person. I don’t like falling apart. It is embarrassing to lose it once a month. I hate to admit that someone else’s good news can’t be good news for me too. It is not that I don’t totally love my pregnant friends and family members! I do! I do want them to be happy! One of my greatest joys is sharing their children. I love being a part of my nieces and nephews lives. I wish I lived closer to them and could be a bigger part of their lives. Our dearest friends have a baby, and I love her more than I can say. They are so good to let us kiss and cuddle and love her. The friend who I just learned is pregnant is also very dear to me, and I am really excited for her little family to grow even more.
In my heart of hearts I am happy for them… just sad for what I am missing. I tell Spencer all the time, “It’s not that I’m mad at them, they are just so lucky! I can’t help but feel a little envious.”
So there you have it. Infertility makes you feel ugly sometimes. You feel ugly on the inside for feeling jealous, and you feel ugly on the outside because you can’t make a baby. You feel unfeminine and broken and somehow less than what you should be. I may never get to be a cute pregnant girl, and that makes me sad.
Tomorrow is a new day. I will be happy tomorrow.