Monday, February 7, 2011

Life is Hard and Then You Die

That is one of my dad’s favorite expressions.  He is not a negative person, I promise.  Mostly, he just used to tell us this when we would whine about having to do things were were supposed to do, like help clean up the kitchen. 
I don’t know why, but Sundays are the hardest day of the week.  For some reason they are really discouraging. 
Yesterday I was crying for no good reason and Spencer asked me what was wrong.  For some reason I have a hard time saying what is really bothering me so Spencer has to coax it out of me.
The thing is, I didn’t know exactly what was bothering me.  It was a lot of things.  I have been stressed over job hunting.  I am anxious to move forward in life.  I am worried about finances.  I am frustrated that my fibromyalgia has really flared up lately, and I haven’t felt well.  I am annoyed that even though I try to manage my stress in healthy ways, my body is really reacting to the strain it’s under.  I am tired because I can’t sleep.  I am emotional because the clomid is messing with my system and my hormones are really out of whack. 
Eventually, I burst out yelling, “I AM JUST SO SICK OF THINGS NEVER WORKING OUT FOR US!!!  I DON’T THINK THINGS ARE EVER GOING TO WORK OUT!!!” I probably looked like a two year old.  I even pounded my fist on the bed while my face was buried in my pillow.
Spencer didn’t tell me to grow up (that’s what I would have told me, I think).  Instead, he calmly suggested, “You don’t really think that, you know things will get better.”
“Yeah,” I agreed.  Then after a long pause, “After we die…maybe.”  Then I laughed because my extreme pessimism was so ridiculous.  Spencer laughed too because suddenly the situation seemed a little funnier. 
A good nights sleep and a fresh day can do wonders for a bad attitude.  I’m a little embarrassed by yesterdays tantrum.  Today I feel much better and have spent a little bit of time this morning happily typing away at my laptop.
There is a most lovely blog that makes me want to get out my camera and play:

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{via Simplyhue}
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{via Simplyhue}
I am just so in love with everything she does.  Her work is too dang beautiful.  :: sigh:: Go take a look!  And I am now on the hunt for a yellow and white striped umbrella. 

9 comments:

  1. Dearest Whitney! Thanks for your honesty and beautiful thoughts. I've felt similar things lately and it's nice to be reminded that it will all be okay:) Those photos are so pretty! I wish we could take our cameras out and play together today. Someday;) Hang in there and have a happy monday! Your amazing:)

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  2. Hi Whitney, you're so sweet to post my photos and say sunc nice things. :)

    Btw, I can say "amen" to just about every single thing you listed that's discouraging you! You definitely are not alone. Life can be so hard at times, especially if you're not feeling well physically. I have days where I get really down in the dumps, too. It's nice to have a husband that can talk sense into me. lol. But sometimes things just get so overwhelming and there's no hurt in expressing it. Glad you did. :) xo

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  3. I think so many things in life are relative. And having things "work out" is one of them. And it's especially funny (ironic kind of funny, not like I'm over here giggling and stuff) that YOU specifically felt like things in your life weren't "working out" because there have been several times since you guys moved away that I've thought of you two and thought how great your life is and that you finally moved away and moved on with your life and you guys always look like you're having so much fun and even their pictures of sheep are hilarious and Whitney's SO pretty and...

    Well, you get the idea. I definitely don't think those things out of spite. Mostly it's just cuz I miss you guys so much! But I think it's kind of like what I was saying the other day with blogs and envy. We get such a snapshot of each others lives. But I think--all in all--if we could choose the trials we have in life we'd choose the ones we already have. Because those are the ones we know we can handle. Because those are the ones the Lord knows we can handle.

    Anyway, I don't think I'm being very eloquent, but what I mean to say is that I like your words and I like you and I miss you SO much (I can't even tell you how in this little comment box.) Please feel free to move right next door to us. Forever.

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  4. P.S. Those pictures are super pretty. So are the ones you take. :)

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  5. Oh Whitney, I love you. I wish we didn't live quite so far apart from each other. I would really like to go hunting for a yellow and white striped umbrella for you. And eat some chocolate together. And scrapbook. And just plain cry over infertility together. I threw a very similar little tantrum this weekend as well. And I agree with you too, Sundays are hard. I used to love Sundays but it's hard to see all the babies. At least that is what is like for me. That is what makes it hard. It's hard to be sitting in a ward full of young families and notice that you're the only couple without kids. It's just hard. I think a little pessimism at times like that is understandable.

    Just don't give up yet though. I love Elder Holland's talk "Good things to come." And the Mormon Messages video of that is my absolute favorite. I love to watch it when I'm feeling down. It reminds me that there are good things to come. And I know that there are good things to come for you. I know it.

    Thanks for sharing a new blog to read! I'm excited to check it out! :)

    I love you!! Hang in there Chickenhead!!!!!

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  6. Hi, Whitney! Thank you for finding my blog! I have an occasional temper tantrum myself. But sleep ALWAYS helps. I wake up and think, "What was I so upset about?"

    By the way, Clomid sucks.

    Hang in there!

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  7. Beautiful images to counteract the... terrorism... lol of your mind. Sigh. I hear you.

    In the word of Anne of Green Gables: Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it!

    Clomid? Are we still trying for a bio baby too or is that some kind of fibryo treatment I haven't heard of? (I'm sure it's the former, but I didn't want to assume. ) Fingers crossed, faith, home and a little bit of baby dust!

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  8. You stole the words right out of my mouth on this post! I DREAD Sundays! I don't even know why because I can be fine the rest of the week, but Sundays I just find myself crying. Sometimes I wish there were wards for infertile couples only. (I know that is mean to wish, but it would help.)As for all the other worries, just remember that you have Spencer. As long as you have each other, and faith you'll be okay. But also you are not alone in being a worrier! I would give you a hug if I was there, but for now all I can say is I am thinking of you and hoping for the best for you guys!

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