Every time I find out I am not pregnant, I plunge through a depth of emotions. The process, though familiar, is still difficult each time.
At first I felt responsible. If I could just learn what Heavenly Father wants me to learn, then I could “pass the test” so to speak and finally be able to have a baby. I felt like if I could obtain all the understanding I was meant to gain from this trial, then it should be lifted, right?
I would hear women with children use a certain word that was guaranteed to break my heart anew. “Trust.” They would say, “I am so grateful that Heavenly Father TRUSTED me enough to give me one of His own children.” They would say, “I don’t know what I did to deserve my children, but I am grateful that Heavenly Father TRUSTED me with them.”
I would think, “Am I not trustworthy? Why doesn’t Heavenly Father trust me?” In my heart I knew that I had not done anything wrong. I knew that I was not being punished, but Satan will do anything to convince you that you are not enough.
In a way, infertility feels more like “divine punishment” than other trials because we know that children are a gift from God. Children being born into families is all part of the plan. We know that our power to procreate is God-given. It is easy to conclude, therefore, that those who are not able to procreate are having these blessings suspended. Is the same God who gives children to some, withholding children from others? We sometimes forget to think of fertility/infertility as a biological process. Not every child conceived is a reward for righteous living. Conversely, those who aren’t able to have children are not being punished for their imperfections.
For some reason we don’t look at other physical trials (such as handicaps, cancer, etc…) in this way. I would never think that a person who struggled with a life-threatening illness was having their health withheld from a loving Heavenly Father. So why am I tempted to think that I am having children WITHELD from me?
Yes, infertility is a spiritual, physical, and mental trial. Yes, God is over all. Yes, He has a plan for me, and that obviously included the current trials I am passing through. But I know that even good people are given trials, not because of things they did or didn’t do, but because trials are just a part of life.
I have found that when I approach my Father in Heaven, and bear my soul to him that He is always listening. When I beg for my desires for motherhood to be realized, I have learned that He is not saying “no,” He is saying “wait.” So it is with most trials we are asked to pass through. He has never left me alone. I know He loves me. I know that it will all be all right in the end. All I have to do is wait, and I never have to wait alone.